Endings and New Beginnings

March 20, 2013 Posted by Dawn

I wanted to let you know about some changes happening on my end of things here. I am discontinuing this blog, Coping With Cancer, as well as the Coping With Cancer newsletter. As you may know, I have been doing two newsletters and two blogs. For ease of communication, I will be going to just one newsletter and one blog. My other newsletter and blog, Love Your Life After Cancer, will continue, although its focus will be changing as well.

The articles on the Love Your Life After Cancer blog (and newsletter) will be focusing more on the following going forward:

  • Living a meaningful, purpose-full life, and in doing so enhancing overall well-being.
  • Exploring your deepest values, the things that matter most to you, and moving in that direction.
  • Getting unstuck in relationships or work/career in order to move forward in your life.
  • Mindfulness strategies to handle thoughts and feelings, blocks and barriers, that keep you from moving forward.
  • Bringing more authenticity into your life.
  • Cultivating compassion for yourself and others.

So as you can see, this may be a good fit for you, even if you are still going through treatment. If you are interested in checking out the other blog, and maybe signing up for the newsletter, please click here. I will be leaving this blog up for a while, so you are welcome to access previous articles from the archive.  You can check out my website here.

Thanks for reading!

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Cancer and Our Deepest Values

March 10, 2013 Posted by Dawn

I have a question for you: Do our deepest values affect how we cope with cancer? Let me clarify. When I say “values,” I don’t mean “morals.” I mean principles or qualities that are intrinsically valuable to us…the things that are most important to us, most meaningful, or matter most in our lives.

For example, one of my deepest values is authenticity—showing up and being honest and real about who I am. (To borrow a definition from Brene Brown.) This doesn’t mean I am perfect at living this way, but it is something I aspire to and I try to move in that direction consistently. If I think about it, when I was going through treatment I guess it did affect how I coped with cancer. I was able to give myself permission to “do” cancer my way, although it took my counselor some time and effort to convey to me that there was no “right or wrong” way to cope.

Another of my deepest values is compassion—compassion for both self and others. This value affected how I coped with cancer in that I was able to develop some degree of compassion for myself. At first there were times that I judged myself for being depressed or anxious as I was going through treatment. But as time went by, I was able to have more compassion for myself, to realize that my feelings and experiences were normal, given the circumstances.

My compassion for others was a little harder to come by at times. When people would say ignorant things or just make coping with cancer more difficult in general, I often found it hard to have compassion for them, to realize at the time that they were just doing the best they could with a situation that was crappy for them too. Compassion is something I continually work on (and will continue the rest of my life), but I can recognize the ways this value affected how I coped.

I would love to hear your thoughts about what your deepest values are (they are unique to you!) and how you think they affect how we cope with treatment. What do you think?

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A Very Special Doctor

February 26, 2013 Posted by Dawn

I happened to come across my “cancer journal” in my file cabinet the other day. I hadn’t read through it in years, and though I had things to do, I couldn’t resist reading. I read about the process I went through to be diagnosed with lymphoma 14 years ago January, about the surgery, the diagnosis, the treatment planning. Something caught my eye and made me remember someone very important.

My ear, nose and throat doctor was the specialist I initially saw to be diagnosed. My journal reminded me how amazing Dr. M. was. I wrote about how at one point, when there were decisions to be made, he said to me, “If you were my daughter, I would tell you to…” That made me feel safe and cared for. If he would tell his daughter to do X, then X was good enough for me.

He actually delayed his vacation plans to do my biopsy. When I woke up from the surgery he was honest with me about what he found. He said that they would be sending the lymph node they removed to be tested to find out for sure, and it could indeed turn out to be benign, but since he had had his hands on it, he thought it was cancerous. He didn’t sugar coat it, but he was kind and compassionate in his honesty. In fact, his kindness and compassion showed through in every interaction with me. He said that delivering news like this is one of the things he hates about his job. I still remember, word for word, these things he said 14 years ago.

Then when it came time for him to actually leave on vacation he said he would think about me every day. Can you believe that? He said he would think about me on his vacation! And I could feel that he really meant it. Now that’s a compassionate man. I will always remember the effect he had on me and my experience.

As you have been going through treatment, who has been amazing, compassionate and kind? Who has made you feel safe and cared for, has gone above and beyond the call of duty? Who will you remember?

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Emotions As Weather Patterns

February 8, 2013 Posted by Dawn

Storm Clouds Rolln'

I was just reading a blog post by Mervyn D’Souza, who is a mindfulness coach and practices ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) like I do. I liked this blog post called Treating Thoughts and Feelings Like Weather Patterns. In this article, he talks about another type of therapy called Morita Therapy, and how Morita therapists, like ACT therapists, are taught to “treat their feelings and thoughts like inner weather patterns.” He says, “Instead of constantly trying to control the internal weather, students are encouraged to just notice mindfully the different patterns of thoughts and feelings arising and falling.”

I think this is a great strategy for people dealing with cancer. I know what it’s like…when you’re going through treatment, your mood tends to shift a lot. If we spend a lot of time trying to make sadness, anger, or fear go away, we could end up spending all of our time trying to fight off these feelings. However, we can treat feelings like weather patterns just coming and going, and spend less time “fighting.” Being sad, angry or scared is not fun…I get that. But if we become willing to have these feelings temporarily and not fight them off (which tends to not work at all or at least not very well), they tend to stick around for less time.

When I was going through treatment, I had some bouts of depression. I spent a lot of time trying to fight off the depression and make it go away. My counselor helped me to change my relationship to it. When I became depressed, I would stop trying to fight it off, which didn’t work anyway, and just became willing to have it (EVEN THOUGH I really didn’t like it). I would notice it, like an internal weather pattern (“Sure is cloudy today.”) and try to take care of myself as best I could in that moment. What tended to happen is that my mood would lift, in my estimation, much sooner than it would if I wasn’t willing to make room for it. The other benefit was that I felt less like I was fighting all the time. There was a certain kind of release, a relaxation of sorts. Not a giving up, but more a giving in to what needed to happen in the moment. I needed to lean into the pain, turn inward, lie on the couch for a while, and wait out the storm.

I know this is not a very popular idea…to be willing to have difficult feelings. We all want to feel better, now. But the research is showing that strategies such as the ones taught by ACT and Morita therapy are very effective in many ways, for many problems. I know for me it changed how I related to difficult feelings, including depression.

Like what you see in this blog? Sign up for my newsletter! In addition to getting the article before it posts on the blog, you will also get inspirational quotes, self-care tips, and information about services and upcoming events. Just fill in your name and email in the green box at the top right of this page to receive the “Coping With Cancer” eNewsletter every other week, as well as a free eWorkbook, “10 Ways to Make Cancer Suck Less.”

Photo Credit: Chris Breeze via flickr

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It’s Alright to Cry

January 28, 2013 Posted by Dawn

Remember that song, “It’s Alright to Cry” from Free to Be You and Me back in the 70s? It went like this: “It’s alright to cry…crying gets the sad out of you. It’s alright to cry…it might make you feel better.” (The football player, Rosie Grier, sang it.) I remember hearing that song when I was younger. It sounds so simplistic, and it’s so true. Especially when it comes to cancer.

It is normal to have feelings of sadness, anger, fear, and confusion after you’ve had a cancer diagnosis. If you find yourself often crying or emotional, there is nothing wrong with you…you are not crazy. You are not broken. There is no need to feel guilty that you are having these feelings. Allowing yourself to have these feelings is not going to hurt you. In fact giving yourself permission to experience and express your feelings can be healthy and empowering.

It’s unfortunate that we have all these myths about crying…we receive certain messages from our culture about crying or expressing feelings in general. The messages say that crying means you’re weak, unstable, over-dramatic, too sensitive, out of control, having a “pity party,” or you’re being too “negative,” a big baby, or just feeling sorry for yourself.

In actuality, there are many reasons people cry. People cry when they’re sad, angry, scared, moved, happy/joyful, confused, feeling something deeply, frustrated, overwhelmed, anxious, regretful, or experiencing something of beauty, to name a few. So we have all these perfectly sound reasons for crying, yet we still have these myths that hang around our culture that can get in the way.

A lot of the time, crying makes us feel better and more relaxed afterward. Current research shows that 88.8 percent of people feel better after crying, with only 8.4 percent feeling worse. Tears are a release valve for feelings and can help us cleanse or purge pent-up emotions. Tears contain stress hormones that accumulate in the body, which get excreted from the body through crying. Tears stimulate natural painkillers and ‘feel good’ hormones called endorphins. These cause our heart rate to lower and our biological and emotional states to become more peaceful. After crying our mood can be lifted and we can better deal with painful situations, think more clearly and problem-solve better.

Expressing our feelings helps to move the emotion through our body. When we fight our feelings, they tend to hang around longer than they need to. Ask yourself how you feel about shedding tears or expressing your feelings in general. Do you try to avoid or fight off difficult feelings? Try to distract yourself? Do you judge yourself or others for crying or expressing feelings? I’m not suggesting we go around crying just for the sake of it, but I am suggesting we give ourselves permission to cry when we need to, and not judge ourselves for our tears.

Like what you see in this blog? Sign up for my newsletter! In addition to getting the article before it posts on the blog, you will also get inspirational quotes, self-care tips, and information about services and upcoming events. Just fill in your name and email in the green box at the top right of this page to receive the “Coping With Cancer” eNewsletter every other week, as well as a free eWorkbook, “10 Ways to Make Cancer Suck Less.”

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Down Dooby Doo Down Down

January 13, 2013 Posted by Dawn

Garfield & Odie

When writing the title of this article, I was thinking about this Garfield comic strip that my friend and I used to quote back in the 80s. Remember Garfield, the cat? This one is a 3-frame comic strip and he’s lying flat on his face in all three frames. You can check it out here. In the first, he says, “I am down. Down, down, down, down, down.” In the second, he says, “Down, down, down, dooby doo down, down.” In the third he says, “Comma comma down dooby doo down, down.” He’s referencing, of course, the 1962 Neil Sedaka hit, Breaking Up is Hard to Do. I just always thought that was such a riot, and apparently I’m not alone…it appears it was one of the favorites of Jim Davis (Garfield’s creator) as well.

Garfield looks about as down and out as a guy (or a cat) can look, and yet he has some humor about it. I like that. My friend and I, who were into Garfield back then, would use that line if we were having a bad day. It would go like this: “How ya doing?” “Well, I’m feelin’ kinda down. Down dooby doo…down down.” We would say it with dramatic effect too. Helped to not take the bad mood so seriously. Helped us remember it would come and it would go.

Sometimes when I was going through cancer treatment and feeling yucky, I could add some humor to my day, and sometimes I couldn’t. If you can, great. If you can’t that’s OK too. Sometimes you’re just having one of those days. You know the ones I’m talking about…you just want all the cancer stuff to go away. You’re tired, probably even exhausted; treatment is, well…kicking your butt, and you’re just down. Down, down, down. People try to cheer you up, but it’s just not happening. You just can’t “be positive,” and that’s that.

I’m here to tell you that it’s OK to just let yourself have a “down” day. What you do to take care of yourself when you have a down day is important. I know for me, a good cry sometimes helps. In fact, it can be healthy and empowering to give yourself permission to have a good cry. Current research shows that 88.8 percent of people feel better after crying, with only 8.4 percent feeling worse. Crying is a release valve for our feelings and stress hormones get excreted from the body through crying. If crying is something that you can do, don’t judge yourself for it…embrace it. Lots of myths exist about crying…that it means you’re weak among other things. I’m of the opinion that they couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m a “crier” myself, and I know that I’m a pretty darn strong person as are many people I know who cry fairly easily. (I realize that crying is not easy for some people, and that’s OK too.)

My friend Kendall Scott, Holistic Health Coach and author of Kicking Cancer in the Kitchen, and I are doing a workshop next Saturday (Jan 19th) called, It’s OK to Eat Chocolate and Cry! (which is the name of one of the chapters in her book). I’ll talk about the benefits of crying and she’ll talk about the benefits of eating raw, unprocessed dark chocolate. (For when you’re having one of those days…and she’s making healthy chocolate bark for people to taste too.) So if you live in the southern Maine area, join us on the 19th at the Cancer Community Center in South Portland for some yummy goodness. And it’s free to attend! Just register here.

As for the those down days, they will come and they will go. When you have them, please remind yourself that there is nothing wrong with you. It is normal to be sad and angry and scared given what you are going through. You are not weak, you are normal. You are facing more than you should have to face. Give yourself a break. I know how it works…I’ve been there. You have a good cry, you eat some chocolate, and then the next day you get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other.

Like what you see in this blog? Sign up for my newsletter! In addition to getting the article before it posts on the blog, you will also get inspirational quotes, self-care tips, and information about services and upcoming events. Just fill in your name and email in the green box at the top right of this page to receive the “Coping With Cancer” eNewsletter every other week, as well as a free eWorkbook, “10 Ways to Make Cancer Suck Less.”

Photo Credit: JD Hancock via flickr

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What Gets in the Way?

December 14, 2012 Posted by Dawn

Sometimes I hear about people going through cancer treatment who are pretty much “going it alone.” They might be struggling with sadness, grief, fear, anxieties, and anger, but they tend to rely on well-meaning friends and family who haven’t “been there” and don’t “know the territory” to help them through. Sometimes this ends up being difficult for the family members and friends who, in all honesty, don’t know what to say or how to help. This saddens me, when I know that there is so much help and support available for people, from people who have experience and are trained to provide that support. It leaves me wondering, what gets in the way? Here are a few things that I have come to realize might get in the way of people getting support:

Gets in way: If I seek out “support” it means I am weak and can’t handle it on my own.
That is not what seeking support means. Many very “strong” people have sought support to cope with cancer. It just makes good sense.

Gets in way: I don’t know what kind of support is available.
There are many forms of support available, something to fit everyone’s needs. Support groups, one-on-one peer support programs where you get matched with someone who’s “been there,” social workers at medical facilities, and counselors and coaches in private practice, among others. Many services are offered over the phone or via webcam as well. I happen to think the support that is done by or facilitated by a trained professional or a trained volunteer are the best types. There are online support groups and chat rooms that can be good, but if there is not a trained person to moderate/facilitate, you never know what you’re going to get.

Gets in way: I would like a counselor or a coach to help me through this, but I can’t afford it.
You can find affordable counseling or coaching most places. Many counselors have sliding fee scales or are covered by health insurance. You can decide to go every other week to make it more affordable than weekly counseling. Many medical facilities have social work departments that you can access for free.

Gets in way: I don’t think a support group would be for me. Isn’t it just a bunch of people sitting around feeling sorry for themselves?
You probably won’t know whether or not a support group would be right for you until you try. They all vary in style and format, and it depends on who is in attendance and who is facilitating as to what the “flavor” of the group will be like. It is rarely just people sitting around feeling sorry for themselves. People express their feelings and support each other in many different ways. Again, I happen to think that the groups facilitated by professionals or trained volunteers are the best ones.

Those are just a few things that might get in the way of getting the support that might make a huge difference in one’s experience with cancer. Is there anything getting in the way for you?

Like what you see in this blog? Sign up for my newsletter! In addition to getting the article before it posts on the blog, you will also get inspirational quotes, self-care tips, and information about services and upcoming events. Just fill in your name and email in the green box at the top right of this page to receive the “Coping With Cancer” eNewsletter every other week, as well as a free eWorkbook, “10 Ways to Make Cancer Suck Less.”

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Using Creativity to Cope With Cancer

November 30, 2012 Posted by Dawn

Many people who have been diagnosed with cancer have used creative activities of various sorts to help them cope. When I worked at the Cancer Community Center years ago, we had an art show one year where we displayed the work created by cancer survivors. We had drawings, sculpture, paintings, photography, and writing among many other things.

I had taken a class with a friend of mine who is an amazingly talented jeweler (and cancer survivor) and created a pendant with the hair I lost from chemotherapy. (I had saved some locks at the time, not knowing what they would be for!) I wrapped the hair with wire and attached it to a piece of sea glass. Something about that process was healing. I was creating something new out of something that had been painful.

Another woman had kept her mediport and worked it into a multi-media painting. Some people painted or sculpted images of their bodies and body parts. Some wrote about the experience in the medical system. Beside each piece there was an “artist statement” posted. The artist was invited to write a paragraph or two about what the piece meant to them. These were so powerful to read and many who attended were very moved by both the pieces and the statements.

I know for some people, music or dance has helped them to get through difficult moments. Some people create something to express their feelings and sort through emotions or to describe their experiences, while other people utilize someone else’s creations to cope with their own experience. In other words, some create or play music while others listen. Some make art, while others view it. Both sides of the equation can be healing.

Aside from expressing feelings and describing experiences, sometimes creative activities can also just help ease anxiety and tension, help us to calm down and relax. We’re talking about creativity here, not “art” in the way we traditionally think of it. This kind of creativity does not have to produce a “beautiful” product; it just serves you or helps you in some way.

This is a great time in your life to think about what kinds of creative activities you engaged in as a child or teen…what helped you express yourself or helped you relax. I enjoyed collecting rocks from outside and painting them to resemble different creatures. I liked to sculpt things out of play-doh. I liked to make things out of paper. As an adult I have created collages that served this purpose. I kept this one collage where I wrote on pieces of paper about how angry I was about something. I just wrote and wrote until I felt like it was all out of me, sort of like a journal entry. Then I ripped up the paper (which was therapeutic in and of itself) and pasted it to a piece of board. It felt very therapeutic.

Even if you don’t feel like the “artistic type,” remembering the creative activities you did as a child or teen can give you clues to things that will help you to express your feelings and describe your experiences, or simply to feel calmer and more centered during your cancer journey.

Like what you see in this blog? Sign up for my newsletter! In addition to getting the article before it posts on the blog, you will also get inspirational quotes, self-care tips, and information about services and upcoming events. Just fill in your name and email in the green box at the top right of this page to receive the “Coping With Cancer” eNewsletter every other week, as well as a free eWorkbook, “10 Ways to Make Cancer Suck Less.”

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Managing Holiday Stress With Cancer

November 19, 2012 Posted by Dawn

stress elf

The holiday season. We are in it whether we like it or not. We see the decorations in stores of all types. We also hear people starting to talk about the season and starting their shopping. We see the commercials with the happy families and couples playing in the snow, building snow men, gathering around the fireplace, and generally just having a grand old time.

Often people talk to me about how they feel more sad or lonely during the holiday season. They compare themselves to the people on the commercials. They compare themselves to people around them, who seem to be getting into the “joy” of the holiday season (authentically or not). Some people have painful memories connected to the holidays, that seem to be brought up every year at this time.

Now this happens to all kinds of people. Then add cancer treatment on top of that, and the holiday season can be very stressful. I remember thinking, when I was going through treatment, that I wished the rest of life could just stop for a while so I could deal with the huge job of coping with treatment. But of course, life doesn’t stop. Other non-cancer stressors keep happening. Family stuff keeps happening, financial concerns keep coming, work problems keep chugging along. It’s the same with the holiday season…we may wish that the stressors of this season could just go away since we have all this cancer stuff to deal with. We may not be able to make the season go away, but there are ways to make it a little easier.

Balance seems to be key. Scheduling some family/friend gatherings so that you get to experience togetherness, but scheduling times that work for you and your energy level. You may need to set some boundaries with people, as some of the travelling you’ve done in the past just isn’t feasible or would drain too much of your energy this year. For some people, being with others for long amounts of time or in an environment with more kids and pets than usual can be exhausting. Balancing time with others and time by yourself can be essential.

Keeping things simple is also important. It’s OK to do things differently this year, even if that means other people’s expectations won’t be met. You can give yourself permission to pace your activities or decline some invitations. This way you will have the energy to go to the events that mean the most to you.

If you’re a gift giver, you can decide to do your shopping differently this year. Online shopping, mail order catalogs, or ordering gifts over the phone can save you the energy you usually spend running from store to store. One year our family decided to pick names from a hat for gift giving instead of shopping for everyone. We focus more on the kids in the family and enjoying each others company, instead of on the gifts for each other.

Making changes in your traditions can help as well. If you usually host a certain holiday, maybe people would be willing to bring the food, have the gathering at their house this year, or go out to dinner instead, to take the pressure off you.

It’s more important than ever to take care of yourself during the holiday craziness. Part of taking care of yourself can involve honoring your emotions. Dealing with cancer can bring up all kinds of emotions as we all know, including sadness, anger, and fear. Talking about your feelings and experiences is a way of honoring your emotions. Sometimes sharing your experiences with loved ones can bring relief and comfort, and can bring you closer together.

Like what you see in this blog? Sign up for my newsletter! In addition to getting the article before it posts on the blog, you will also get inspirational quotes, self-care tips, and information about services and upcoming events. Just fill in your name and email in the green box at the top right of this page to receive the “Coping With Cancer” eNewsletter every other week, as well as a free eWorkbook, “10 Ways to Make Cancer Suck Less.”

Photo Credit: dtweney via flickr

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“You Have to Let Me Be Scared”

November 2, 2012 Posted by Dawn

I watch a TV show on NBC called Parenthood. The newest storyline for one of the main characters, Kristina, is a breast cancer diagnosis. Once I saw a glimpse of her getting a mammogram on one of the episodes, I knew what I was in for. I have read other blog posts and heard other cancer survivors’ opinions about this storyline, and we all seemed to feel the same way…we hoped that the writers would handle this storyline well. We hoped they would make it realistic.

Well, it seems they have done a good job so far. At the end of one recent episode, Kristina’s character said to her husband, “You have to let me be scared.” (Her husband had been trying to keep her upbeat and positive at all times.)

I thought that was a key line. Something that most cancer survivors have wanted to say to their loved ones at one point or another. We sometimes want people to please just let us have our feelings because it’s exhausting to try to force them away every moment (and doesn’t work in the long run).

It got me thinking about how often people try to talk us out of our feelings, and how frustrating that can be. And about how much courage it takes to ask/tell someone what we need…but I think we need to.

Our loved ones don’t know what to say. They don’t want to see us suffering and they want to fix it. Sometimes we need to let people know that they can just be there for us without trying to change or fix it. We might think they should already know this, but the truth is they don’t. So, the way I see it, it’s either continue to be angry and frustrated with them, or let them know what we need.

On the Parenthood Facebook page, people commented on Kristina’s line “You have to let me be scared.” One person, a loved one of someone with cancer, said, “It opened my mind and heart” to hear those words. Interesting how, with this one sentence and a short explanation, this character was able to let her husband know what she needed and thus ward off lots of hard feelings and probably future fights.

I know it’s only a TV show, but I think it could be a conversation starter for lots of people. I can picture other people affected by cancer taking Kristina’s lead and saying that to their loved ones, and maybe their loved ones’ minds and hearts opening up.

Like what you see in this blog? Sign up for my newsletter! In addition to getting the article before it posts on the blog, you will also get inspirational quotes, self-care tips, and information about services and upcoming events. Just fill in your name and email in the green box at the top right of this page to receive the “Coping With Cancer” eNewsletter every other week, as well as a free eWorkbook, “10 Ways to Make Cancer Suck Less.”

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