Coping With Cancer

Remember that song, “It’s Alright to Cry” from Free to Be You and Me back in the 70s? It went like this: “It’s alright to cry…crying gets the sad out of you. It’s alright to cry…it might make you feel better.” (The football player, Rosie Grier, sang it.) I remember hearing that song when I was younger. It sounds so simplistic, and it’s so true. Especially when it comes to cancer.

It is normal to have feelings of sadness, anger, fear, and confusion after you’ve had a cancer diagnosis. If you find yourself often crying or emotional, there is nothing wrong with you…you are not crazy. You are not broken. There is no need to feel guilty that you are having these feelings. Allowing yourself to have these feelings is not going to hurt you. In fact giving yourself permission to experience and express your feelings can be healthy and empowering.

It’s unfortunate that we have all these myths about crying…we receive certain messages from our culture about crying or expressing feelings in general. The messages say that crying means you’re weak, unstable, over-dramatic, too sensitive, out of control, having a “pity party,” or you’re being too “negative,” a big baby, or just feeling sorry for yourself.

In actuality, there are many reasons people cry. People cry when they’re sad, angry, scared, moved, happy/joyful, confused, feeling something deeply, frustrated, overwhelmed, anxious, regretful, or experiencing something of beauty, to name a few. So we have all these perfectly sound reasons for crying, yet we still have these myths that hang around our culture that can get in the way.

A lot of the time, crying makes us feel better and more relaxed afterward. Current research shows that 88.8 percent of people feel better after crying, with only 8.4 percent feeling worse. Tears are a release valve for feelings and can help us cleanse or purge pent-up emotions. Tears contain stress hormones that accumulate in the body, which get excreted from the body through crying. Tears stimulate natural painkillers and ‘feel good’ hormones called endorphins. These cause our heart rate to lower and our biological and emotional states to become more peaceful. After crying our mood can be lifted and we can better deal with painful situations, think more clearly and problem-solve better.

Expressing our feelings helps to move the emotion through our body. When we fight our feelings, they tend to hang around longer than they need to. Ask yourself how you feel about shedding tears or expressing your feelings in general. Do you try to avoid or fight off difficult feelings? Try to distract yourself? Do you judge yourself or others for crying or expressing feelings? I’m not suggesting we go around crying just for the sake of it, but I am suggesting we give ourselves permission to cry when we need to, and not judge ourselves for our tears.

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There are many things for people affected by cancer to be angry about:  labels people use for us that we don’t like; other people’s lack of understanding about what we’re going through; the things people say to us that are insensitive or ignorant; loved ones making it harder on us at times because of their own “stuff;” and the things we are missing out on because of cancer (just to name a few).

I have been becoming more aware that the month of October, “Breast Cancer Awareness Month,” brings up anger and frustration for many people. People are shedding light on the fact that some businesses sell breast cancer awareness items without giving much or any of their profits to research. Many people with breast cancer feel that these companies are profiting off their disease. Advocates are making us aware of “Pinkwashers”: companies or organizations that claim to care about breast cancer by promoting a pink ribbon product, but at the same time produce, manufacture and/or sell products that are linked to the disease. Although these things happen year round, “Pinktober” seems to bring them to the forefront with all the pink in our faces. Even though I have not had breast cancer, I can understand the anger about these things. (See an interesting post “Before You Buy Pink” at Think Before You Pink.)

It makes sense that we feel angry when we’ve had a cancer diagnosis. Many times we feel it was unfair that we got cancer. We may feel helpless, threatened, vulnerable, or even victimized from getting cancer, which can be maddening. Some people feel angry at cancer, angry at the world or even angry at god. We have lost the life we once knew, and we can be mad that cancer took away so many things from us and changed our lives so much. Anger is normal and very common for people who’ve been affected by cancer.

I agree with novelist, Jim Butcher, who in his book White Night, writes:

“Anger is just anger. It isn’t good. It isn’t bad. It just is. What you do with it is what matters. It’s like anything else. You can use it to build or to destroy. You just have to make the choice.”

“Constructive anger,” the demon said, her voice dripping sarcasm.

“Also known as passion,” I said quietly. “Passion has overthrown tyrants and freed prisoners and slaves. Passion has brought justice where there was savagery. Passion has created freedom where there was nothing but fear. Passion has helped souls rise from the ashes of their horrible lives and build something better, stronger, more beautiful.”

I thought this was an interesting take on anger, that constructive anger can be the same as passion…the using of the emotion of anger to direct us to take action toward what we really want. We can let it be a motivating factor, just as breast cancer advocates are using their anger to speak out and make a difference.

Like what you see in this blog? Sign up for my newsletter! In addition to getting the article before it posts on the blog, you will also get inspirational quotes, self-care tips, and information about services and upcoming events. Just fill in your name and email in the green box at the top right of this page to receive the “Coping With Cancer” eNewsletter every other week, as well as a free eWorkbook, “10 Ways to Make Cancer Suck Less.”

If you are suffering with depression during cancer treatment, what is getting in the way of getting help? Here are a few reasons I think people don’t get help for depression:

1. There is a stigma around depression; people don’t want to admit to anyone that they are depressed because they think they’re the only one and they don’t want to be judged.
2. They don’t think anything can help or they’ve tried to get help but nothing has worked.
3. They don’t have money to seek treatment.
4. They think depression is a sign of weakness, or that it means there’s something wrong with them.
5. They don’t want to take medications for depression or they are afraid to go to therapy.

I’d like to address some of these reasons briefly here.

1. Yes, there is a stigma around depression. Yes, people judge. However, in my experience, I have found that more people than you can imagine have experienced depression at one time or another in their lives, and many people have experienced long-term depression. People just don’t talk about it. 25% of cancer patients/survivors have experienced a major depression, with a much higher percentage experiencing “sub-clinical” symptoms (this means they don’t meet the criteria for a full-blown major depressive episode, but it’s still there.) If you are experiencing depression during cancer treatment, you are not alone. Please don’t let stigma be a reason that you don’t get help or support.

2. There are things that will help with depression. If you’ve looked or tried things that haven’t worked, keep looking and trying. I tried several solutions before I found something that really worked for the long-term when I was experiencing depression. I know it’s hard to keep trying, but it can mean the difference between suffering more and having an easier time of it.

3. If you think you don’t have enough money to seek help, you could take another look at this belief. In terms of medication or therapy, there are clinics that are cost effective, your health insurance might pay for counseling, and some counselors have sliding fee scales or do pro-bono work (offer free services). There are a lot of options out there, for cancer survivors especially. Some cancer organizations offer free support. You may need to ask a friend or family member to help you look for resources if you don’t have a lot of energy. Allow someone to be there for you. (Boy, I’m getting bossy in this article!)

4. If depression were a sign of weakness, then that would mean there are an awful lot of weak people out there, and that I’m one of them, and I know that’s not true. The people I know who have had depression are some of the strongest people I know. (Not to brag, but I have made it through a lot of difficult stuff, so I’m not ashamed to say I am a strong person.) When you are depressed, just putting one foot in front of the other can take a lot of courage…we are not weak. As to something being “wrong” with you if you have depression, again I would beg to differ. Here are some famous people who have had depression: Sheryl Crow, Angelina Jolie, Princess Diana, Abraham Lincoln, Sir Isaac Newton, Mark Twain, Teddy Roosevelt, F. Scott Fitzgerald, John Adams, Drew Barrymore, Barbara Bush, Frederic Chopin, Charles Darwin. The list goes on and on of successful people who have experienced depression.

5. I can understand not wanting to take medications for depression, I get it. And you don’t have to…that is your choice. But medications do help a lot of people to feel better and cope with cancer treatment more easily. Cancer treatment is already hell for most people, add depression on top of that and it can be unbearable. If medication could help, it could be worth a try. There are complementary/alternative medical options as well. I know of folks who have gotten some relief from homeopathy and acupuncture, among other things. And of course I am a big believer in counseling. It helped me tremendously throughout treatment and beyond. Imagine talking to a neutral person who won’t judge you or force you to do anything you don’t want to do, who believes in you and believes you can feel better, and who can help you to learn skills and strategies that could help decrease your depression? That’s what it’s like to go to a counselor. Could that be worth a try too?

Can you think of other reasons people don’t get help for depression during cancer treatment?

Like what you see in this blog? Sign up for my newsletter! In addition to getting the article before it posts on the blog, you will also get inspirational quotes, self-care tips, and information about services and upcoming events. Just fill in your name and email in the green box at the top right of this page to receive the “Coping With Cancer” eNewsletter every other week, as well as a free eWorkbook, “10 Ways to Make Cancer Suck Less.”

Photo Credit: logos noesis via flickr