Coping With Cancer

Posts Tagged: ‘Coping cancer’

Cancer and Our Deepest Values

March 10, 2013 Posted by Dawn

I have a question for you: Do our deepest values affect how we cope with cancer? Let me clarify. When I say “values,” I don’t mean “morals.” I mean principles or qualities that are intrinsically valuable to us…the things that are most important to us, most meaningful, or matter most in our lives.

For example, one of my deepest values is authenticity—showing up and being honest and real about who I am. (To borrow a definition from Brene Brown.) This doesn’t mean I am perfect at living this way, but it is something I aspire to and I try to move in that direction consistently. If I think about it, when I was going through treatment I guess it did affect how I coped with cancer. I was able to give myself permission to “do” cancer my way, although it took my counselor some time and effort to convey to me that there was no “right or wrong” way to cope.

Another of my deepest values is compassion—compassion for both self and others. This value affected how I coped with cancer in that I was able to develop some degree of compassion for myself. At first there were times that I judged myself for being depressed or anxious as I was going through treatment. But as time went by, I was able to have more compassion for myself, to realize that my feelings and experiences were normal, given the circumstances.

My compassion for others was a little harder to come by at times. When people would say ignorant things or just make coping with cancer more difficult in general, I often found it hard to have compassion for them, to realize at the time that they were just doing the best they could with a situation that was crappy for them too. Compassion is something I continually work on (and will continue the rest of my life), but I can recognize the ways this value affected how I coped.

I would love to hear your thoughts about what your deepest values are (they are unique to you!) and how you think they affect how we cope with treatment. What do you think?

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Categories: Coping, Mindset Shifts

Emotions As Weather Patterns

February 8, 2013 Posted by Dawn

I was just reading a blog post by Mervyn D’Souza, who is a mindfulness coach and practices ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) like I do. I liked this blog post called Treating Thoughts and Feelings Like Weather Patterns. In this article, he talks about another type of therapy called Morita Therapy, and how Morita therapists, like ACT therapists, are taught to “treat their feelings and thoughts like inner weather patterns.” He says, “Instead of constantly trying to control the internal weather, students are encouraged to just notice mindfully the different patterns of thoughts and feelings arising and falling.”

I think this is a great strategy for people dealing with cancer. I know what it’s like…when you’re going through treatment, your mood tends to shift a lot. If we spend a lot of time trying to make sadness, anger, or fear go away, we could end up spending all of our time trying to fight off these feelings. However, we can treat feelings like weather patterns just coming and going, and spend less time “fighting.” Being sad, angry or scared is not fun…I get that. But if we become willing to have these feelings temporarily and not fight them off (which tends to not work at all or at least not very well), they tend to stick around for less time.

When I was going through treatment, I had some bouts of depression. I spent a lot of time trying to fight off the depression and make it go away. My counselor helped me to change my relationship to it. When I became depressed, I would stop trying to fight it off, which didn’t work anyway, and just became willing to have it (EVEN THOUGH I really didn’t like it). I would notice it, like an internal weather pattern (“Sure is cloudy today.”) and try to take care of myself as best I could in that moment. What tended to happen is that my mood would lift, in my estimation, much sooner than it would if I wasn’t willing to make room for it. The other benefit was that I felt less like I was fighting all the time. There was a certain kind of release, a relaxation of sorts. Not a giving up, but more a giving in to what needed to happen in the moment. I needed to lean into the pain, turn inward, lie on the couch for a while, and wait out the storm.

I know this is not a very popular idea…to be willing to have difficult feelings. We all want to feel better, now. But the research is showing that strategies such as the ones taught by ACT and Morita therapy are very effective in many ways, for many problems. I know for me it changed how I related to difficult feelings, including depression.

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Photo Credit: Chris Breeze via flickr

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Categories: Managing Emotions, Mindset Shifts

It’s Alright to Cry

January 28, 2013 Posted by Dawn

Remember that song, “It’s Alright to Cry” from Free to Be You and Me back in the 70s? It went like this: “It’s alright to cry…crying gets the sad out of you. It’s alright to cry…it might make you feel better.” (The football player, Rosie Grier, sang it.) I remember hearing that song when I was younger. It sounds so simplistic, and it’s so true. Especially when it comes to cancer.

It is normal to have feelings of sadness, anger, fear, and confusion after you’ve had a cancer diagnosis. If you find yourself often crying or emotional, there is nothing wrong with you…you are not crazy. You are not broken. There is no need to feel guilty that you are having these feelings. Allowing yourself to have these feelings is not going to hurt you. In fact giving yourself permission to experience and express your feelings can be healthy and empowering.

It’s unfortunate that we have all these myths about crying…we receive certain messages from our culture about crying or expressing feelings in general. The messages say that crying means you’re weak, unstable, over-dramatic, too sensitive, out of control, having a “pity party,” or you’re being too “negative,” a big baby, or just feeling sorry for yourself.

In actuality, there are many reasons people cry. People cry when they’re sad, angry, scared, moved, happy/joyful, confused, feeling something deeply, frustrated, overwhelmed, anxious, regretful, or experiencing something of beauty, to name a few. So we have all these perfectly sound reasons for crying, yet we still have these myths that hang around our culture that can get in the way.

A lot of the time, crying makes us feel better and more relaxed afterward. Current research shows that 88.8 percent of people feel better after crying, with only 8.4 percent feeling worse. Tears are a release valve for feelings and can help us cleanse or purge pent-up emotions. Tears contain stress hormones that accumulate in the body, which get excreted from the body through crying. Tears stimulate natural painkillers and ‘feel good’ hormones called endorphins. These cause our heart rate to lower and our biological and emotional states to become more peaceful. After crying our mood can be lifted and we can better deal with painful situations, think more clearly and problem-solve better.

Expressing our feelings helps to move the emotion through our body. When we fight our feelings, they tend to hang around longer than they need to. Ask yourself how you feel about shedding tears or expressing your feelings in general. Do you try to avoid or fight off difficult feelings? Try to distract yourself? Do you judge yourself or others for crying or expressing feelings? I’m not suggesting we go around crying just for the sake of it, but I am suggesting we give ourselves permission to cry when we need to, and not judge ourselves for our tears.

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Tags: "coping with cancer", cancer, Cancer articles, Cancer blogs., cancer coping, Cancer emotional support, Cancer emotions, Cancer help, Cancer resources, Cancer support, Cancer support services, Cancer websites, Cope with cancer, Coping cancer, Coping with cancer diagnosis, Dealing with cancer, emotions and cancer, Help for people with cancer, How to cope with cancer diagnosis, Living with cancer, Support of cancer
Categories: Coping, Managing Emotions

Down Dooby Doo Down Down

January 13, 2013 Posted by Dawn

When writing the title of this article, I was thinking about this Garfield comic strip that my friend and I used to quote back in the 80s. Remember Garfield, the cat? This one is a 3-frame comic strip and he’s lying flat on his face in all three frames. You can check it out here. In the first, he says, “I am down. Down, down, down, down, down.” In the second, he says, “Down, down, down, dooby doo down, down.” In the third he says, “Comma comma down dooby doo down, down.” He’s referencing, of course, the 1962 Neil Sedaka hit, Breaking Up is Hard to Do. I just always thought that was such a riot, and apparently I’m not alone…it appears it was one of the favorites of Jim Davis (Garfield’s creator) as well.

Garfield looks about as down and out as a guy (or a cat) can look, and yet he has some humor about it. I like that. My friend and I, who were into Garfield back then, would use that line if we were having a bad day. It would go like this: “How ya doing?” “Well, I’m feelin’ kinda down. Down dooby doo…down down.” We would say it with dramatic effect too. Helped to not take the bad mood so seriously. Helped us remember it would come and it would go.

Sometimes when I was going through cancer treatment and feeling yucky, I could add some humor to my day, and sometimes I couldn’t. If you can, great. If you can’t that’s OK too. Sometimes you’re just having one of those days. You know the ones I’m talking about…you just want all the cancer stuff to go away. You’re tired, probably even exhausted; treatment is, well…kicking your butt, and you’re just down. Down, down, down. People try to cheer you up, but it’s just not happening. You just can’t “be positive,” and that’s that.

I’m here to tell you that it’s OK to just let yourself have a “down” day. What you do to take care of yourself when you have a down day is important. I know for me, a good cry sometimes helps. In fact, it can be healthy and empowering to give yourself permission to have a good cry. Current research shows that 88.8 percent of people feel better after crying, with only 8.4 percent feeling worse. Crying is a release valve for our feelings and stress hormones get excreted from the body through crying. If crying is something that you can do, don’t judge yourself for it…embrace it. Lots of myths exist about crying…that it means you’re weak among other things. I’m of the opinion that they couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m a “crier” myself, and I know that I’m a pretty darn strong person as are many people I know who cry fairly easily. (I realize that crying is not easy for some people, and that’s OK too.)

My friend Kendall Scott, Holistic Health Coach and author of Kicking Cancer in the Kitchen, and I are doing a workshop next Saturday (Jan 19th) called, It’s OK to Eat Chocolate and Cry! (which is the name of one of the chapters in her book). I’ll talk about the benefits of crying and she’ll talk about the benefits of eating raw, unprocessed dark chocolate. (For when you’re having one of those days…and she’s making healthy chocolate bark for people to taste too.) So if you live in the southern Maine area, join us on the 19th at the Cancer Community Center in South Portland for some yummy goodness. And it’s free to attend! Just register here.

As for the those down days, they will come and they will go. When you have them, please remind yourself that there is nothing wrong with you. It is normal to be sad and angry and scared given what you are going through. You are not weak, you are normal. You are facing more than you should have to face. Give yourself a break. I know how it works…I’ve been there. You have a good cry, you eat some chocolate, and then the next day you get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other.

Photo Credit: JD Hancock via flickr

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Tags: "coping with cancer", cancer, Cancer articles, Cancer blogs., cancer coping, Cancer emotional support, Cancer emotions, Cancer help, Cancer resources, Cancer support, Cancer support services, Cancer websites, Cope with cancer, Coping cancer, Coping with cancer diagnosis, Dealing with cancer, emotions and cancer, Help for people with cancer, How to cope with cancer diagnosis, Support of cancer
Categories: Coping, Managing Emotions, Mindset Shifts

What Gets in the Way?

December 14, 2012 Posted by Dawn

Sometimes I hear about people going through cancer treatment who are pretty much “going it alone.” They might be struggling with sadness, grief, fear, anxieties, and anger, but they tend to rely on well-meaning friends and family who haven’t “been there” and don’t “know the territory” to help them through. Sometimes this ends up being difficult for the family members and friends who, in all honesty, don’t know what to say or how to help. This saddens me, when I know that there is so much help and support available for people, from people who have experience and are trained to provide that support. It leaves me wondering, what gets in the way? Here are a few things that I have come to realize might get in the way of people getting support:

Gets in way: If I seek out “support” it means I am weak and can’t handle it on my own.
That is not what seeking support means. Many very “strong” people have sought support to cope with cancer. It just makes good sense.

Gets in way: I don’t know what kind of support is available.
There are many forms of support available, something to fit everyone’s needs. Support groups, one-on-one peer support programs where you get matched with someone who’s “been there,” social workers at medical facilities, and counselors and coaches in private practice, among others. Many services are offered over the phone or via webcam as well. I happen to think the support that is done by or facilitated by a trained professional or a trained volunteer are the best types. There are online support groups and chat rooms that can be good, but if there is not a trained person to moderate/facilitate, you never know what you’re going to get.

Gets in way: I would like a counselor or a coach to help me through this, but I can’t afford it.
You can find affordable counseling or coaching most places. Many counselors have sliding fee scales or are covered by health insurance. You can decide to go every other week to make it more affordable than weekly counseling. Many medical facilities have social work departments that you can access for free.

Gets in way: I don’t think a support group would be for me. Isn’t it just a bunch of people sitting around feeling sorry for themselves?
You probably won’t know whether or not a support group would be right for you until you try. They all vary in style and format, and it depends on who is in attendance and who is facilitating as to what the “flavor” of the group will be like. It is rarely just people sitting around feeling sorry for themselves. People express their feelings and support each other in many different ways. Again, I happen to think that the groups facilitated by professionals or trained volunteers are the best ones.

Those are just a few things that might get in the way of getting the support that might make a huge difference in one’s experience with cancer. Is there anything getting in the way for you?

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Tags: "coping with cancer", cancer, Cancer articles, Cancer blogs., cancer coping, Cancer emotional support, Cancer emotions, Cancer help, Cancer resources, Cancer support, Cancer support services, Cancer websites, Cope with cancer, Coping cancer, Coping with cancer diagnosis, Dealing with cancer, emotions and cancer, Help for people with cancer, holidays and cancer, How to cope with cancer diagnosis, Living with cancer, Support of cancer
Categories: Coping, Mindset Shifts

Using Creativity to Cope With Cancer

November 30, 2012 Posted by Dawn

Many people who have been diagnosed with cancer have used creative activities of various sorts to help them cope. When I worked at the Cancer Community Center years ago, we had an art show one year where we displayed the work created by cancer survivors. We had drawings, sculpture, paintings, photography, and writing among many other things.

I had taken a class with a friend of mine who is an amazingly talented jeweler (and cancer survivor) and created a pendant with the hair I lost from chemotherapy. (I had saved some locks at the time, not knowing what they would be for!) I wrapped the hair with wire and attached it to a piece of sea glass. Something about that process was healing. I was creating something new out of something that had been painful.

Another woman had kept her mediport and worked it into a multi-media painting. Some people painted or sculpted images of their bodies and body parts. Some wrote about the experience in the medical system. Beside each piece there was an “artist statement” posted. The artist was invited to write a paragraph or two about what the piece meant to them. These were so powerful to read and many who attended were very moved by both the pieces and the statements.

I know for some people, music or dance has helped them to get through difficult moments. Some people create something to express their feelings and sort through emotions or to describe their experiences, while other people utilize someone else’s creations to cope with their own experience. In other words, some create or play music while others listen. Some make art, while others view it. Both sides of the equation can be healing.

Aside from expressing feelings and describing experiences, sometimes creative activities can also just help ease anxiety and tension, help us to calm down and relax. We’re talking about creativity here, not “art” in the way we traditionally think of it. This kind of creativity does not have to produce a “beautiful” product; it just serves you or helps you in some way.

This is a great time in your life to think about what kinds of creative activities you engaged in as a child or teen…what helped you express yourself or helped you relax. I enjoyed collecting rocks from outside and painting them to resemble different creatures. I liked to sculpt things out of play-doh. I liked to make things out of paper. As an adult I have created collages that served this purpose. I kept this one collage where I wrote on pieces of paper about how angry I was about something. I just wrote and wrote until I felt like it was all out of me, sort of like a journal entry. Then I ripped up the paper (which was therapeutic in and of itself) and pasted it to a piece of board. It felt very therapeutic.

Even if you don’t feel like the “artistic type,” remembering the creative activities you did as a child or teen can give you clues to things that will help you to express your feelings and describe your experiences, or simply to feel calmer and more centered during your cancer journey.

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Categories: Coping, Managing Emotions

Managing Holiday Stress With Cancer

November 19, 2012 Posted by Dawn

The holiday season. We are in it whether we like it or not. We see the decorations in stores of all types. We also hear people starting to talk about the season and starting their shopping. We see the commercials with the happy families and couples playing in the snow, building snow men, gathering around the fireplace, and generally just having a grand old time.

Often people talk to me about how they feel more sad or lonely during the holiday season. They compare themselves to the people on the commercials. They compare themselves to people around them, who seem to be getting into the “joy” of the holiday season (authentically or not). Some people have painful memories connected to the holidays, that seem to be brought up every year at this time.

Now this happens to all kinds of people. Then add cancer treatment on top of that, and the holiday season can be very stressful. I remember thinking, when I was going through treatment, that I wished the rest of life could just stop for a while so I could deal with the huge job of coping with treatment. But of course, life doesn’t stop. Other non-cancer stressors keep happening. Family stuff keeps happening, financial concerns keep coming, work problems keep chugging along. It’s the same with the holiday season…we may wish that the stressors of this season could just go away since we have all this cancer stuff to deal with. We may not be able to make the season go away, but there are ways to make it a little easier.

Balance seems to be key. Scheduling some family/friend gatherings so that you get to experience togetherness, but scheduling times that work for you and your energy level. You may need to set some boundaries with people, as some of the travelling you’ve done in the past just isn’t feasible or would drain too much of your energy this year. For some people, being with others for long amounts of time or in an environment with more kids and pets than usual can be exhausting. Balancing time with others and time by yourself can be essential.

Keeping things simple is also important. It’s OK to do things differently this year, even if that means other people’s expectations won’t be met. You can give yourself permission to pace your activities or decline some invitations. This way you will have the energy to go to the events that mean the most to you.

If you’re a gift giver, you can decide to do your shopping differently this year. Online shopping, mail order catalogs, or ordering gifts over the phone can save you the energy you usually spend running from store to store. One year our family decided to pick names from a hat for gift giving instead of shopping for everyone. We focus more on the kids in the family and enjoying each others company, instead of on the gifts for each other.

Making changes in your traditions can help as well. If you usually host a certain holiday, maybe people would be willing to bring the food, have the gathering at their house this year, or go out to dinner instead, to take the pressure off you.

It’s more important than ever to take care of yourself during the holiday craziness. Part of taking care of yourself can involve honoring your emotions. Dealing with cancer can bring up all kinds of emotions as we all know, including sadness, anger, and fear. Talking about your feelings and experiences is a way of honoring your emotions. Sometimes sharing your experiences with loved ones can bring relief and comfort, and can bring you closer together.

Photo Credit: dtweney via flickr

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Categories: Coping

“You Have to Let Me Be Scared”

November 2, 2012 Posted by Dawn

I watch a TV show on NBC called Parenthood. The newest storyline for one of the main characters, Kristina, is a breast cancer diagnosis. Once I saw a glimpse of her getting a mammogram on one of the episodes, I knew what I was in for. I have read other blog posts and heard other cancer survivors’ opinions about this storyline, and we all seemed to feel the same way…we hoped that the writers would handle this storyline well. We hoped they would make it realistic.

Well, it seems they have done a good job so far. At the end of one recent episode, Kristina’s character said to her husband, “You have to let me be scared.” (Her husband had been trying to keep her upbeat and positive at all times.)

I thought that was a key line. Something that most cancer survivors have wanted to say to their loved ones at one point or another. We sometimes want people to please just let us have our feelings because it’s exhausting to try to force them away every moment (and doesn’t work in the long run).

It got me thinking about how often people try to talk us out of our feelings, and how frustrating that can be. And about how much courage it takes to ask/tell someone what we need…but I think we need to.

Our loved ones don’t know what to say. They don’t want to see us suffering and they want to fix it. Sometimes we need to let people know that they can just be there for us without trying to change or fix it. We might think they should already know this, but the truth is they don’t. So, the way I see it, it’s either continue to be angry and frustrated with them, or let them know what we need.

On the Parenthood Facebook page, people commented on Kristina’s line “You have to let me be scared.” One person, a loved one of someone with cancer, said, “It opened my mind and heart” to hear those words. Interesting how, with this one sentence and a short explanation, this character was able to let her husband know what she needed and thus ward off lots of hard feelings and probably future fights.

I know it’s only a TV show, but I think it could be a conversation starter for lots of people. I can picture other people affected by cancer taking Kristina’s lead and saying that to their loved ones, and maybe their loved ones’ minds and hearts opening up.

Anger and Cancer, Part 2: Anger & Assertiveness

October 19, 2012 Posted by Dawn

In the first article on this topic, (Anger and Cancer, Part 1: Constructive Anger), I talked about how there are many things for people affected by cancer to be angry about…lack of understanding from others, insensitive things people say to us, other people’s “stuff” that comes to the surface, and all the losses from cancer, for example.

How people experience and express anger varies greatly. Some people cry when they’re angry, which helps the emotion wash through and lose its intensity. Other people yell, and while yelling can be harmful when directed toward others, I have been known to yell in my car when no one can hear me or yell into a pillow, which can be cathartic. As also discussed in Anger and Cancer, Part 1, some people use their anger for advocacy or for standing up for themselves (and other people) in a firm and respectful way.

This brings me to the topic of the assertiveness scale, which can be helpful to think about in our relationships with others.

The assertiveness scale starts at “passive” or “non-assertive.” This is the place where people keep their anger inside and sometimes unknowingly take it out on themselves. When people are behaving in a passive manner, they are allowing others to get their needs met at the expense of their own. For example, someone is angry/frustrated that a well-meaning loved one continually and frequently tells them that they may have done something to cause their cancer and they need to do certain things to recover from cancer. The person with the cancer diagnosis keeps their resentments inside instead of asking the person to stop. The other person gets their needs met (to have all the answers) at the expense of the person with cancer.

At the other end of the scale, is “aggressive,” where people externalize their anger and take it out on others. When people are behaving in an aggressive manner, they are getting their needs met at the expense of other people. They sometimes step on other people’s needs to get theirs met. For example, in the same situation mentioned above, they instead start yelling and swearing at the person. So they get their needs met (to let the other person know how they feel and get their anger out) while hurting the other person.

Then there is the middle of the scale, “assertive,” where people appropriately manage their anger and communicate it when necessary. When behaving assertively, you attempt to get your needs met while at the same time taking into consideration the needs of others. Using the same example as mentioned above, the person is angry, but says to the loved one, “When you say those things, I feel angry and hurt, and I’d like you to stop telling me I might have done something to cause my cancer and stop telling me what to do to cure it.”

The thing is, (as you likely already know) burying or denying anger does not make it go away. Actions and behavior that come from anger can be harmful, but anger in and of itself is just a feeling; it is not damaging. When we make room for anger and express it or communicate it in ways that don’t intentionally hurt others or ourselves, it remains just an emotion that will pass, just like every other emotion.

I will again quote Jim Butcher, who in his book White Night, writes: “Anger is just anger. It isn’t good. It isn’t bad. It just is. What you do with it is what matters.”

Anger and Cancer, Part 1: Constructive Anger

October 8, 2012 Posted by Dawn

There are many things for people affected by cancer to be angry about: labels people use for us that we don’t like; other people’s lack of understanding about what we’re going through; the things people say to us that are insensitive or ignorant; loved ones making it harder on us at times because of their own “stuff;” and the things we are missing out on because of cancer (just to name a few).

I have been becoming more aware that the month of October, “Breast Cancer Awareness Month,” brings up anger and frustration for many people. People are shedding light on the fact that some businesses sell breast cancer awareness items without giving much or any of their profits to research. Many people with breast cancer feel that these companies are profiting off their disease. Advocates are making us aware of “Pinkwashers”: companies or organizations that claim to care about breast cancer by promoting a pink ribbon product, but at the same time produce, manufacture and/or sell products that are linked to the disease. Although these things happen year round, “Pinktober” seems to bring them to the forefront with all the pink in our faces. Even though I have not had breast cancer, I can understand the anger about these things. (See an interesting post “Before You Buy Pink” at Think Before You Pink.)

It makes sense that we feel angry when we’ve had a cancer diagnosis. Many times we feel it was unfair that we got cancer. We may feel helpless, threatened, vulnerable, or even victimized from getting cancer, which can be maddening. Some people feel angry at cancer, angry at the world or even angry at god. We have lost the life we once knew, and we can be mad that cancer took away so many things from us and changed our lives so much. Anger is normal and very common for people who’ve been affected by cancer.

I agree with novelist, Jim Butcher, who in his book White Night, writes:

“Anger is just anger. It isn’t good. It isn’t bad. It just is. What you do with it is what matters. It’s like anything else. You can use it to build or to destroy. You just have to make the choice.”

“Constructive anger,” the demon said, her voice dripping sarcasm.

“Also known as passion,” I said quietly. “Passion has overthrown tyrants and freed prisoners and slaves. Passion has brought justice where there was savagery. Passion has created freedom where there was nothing but fear. Passion has helped souls rise from the ashes of their horrible lives and build something better, stronger, more beautiful.”

I thought this was an interesting take on anger, that constructive anger can be the same as passion…the using of the emotion of anger to direct us to take action toward what we really want. We can let it be a motivating factor, just as breast cancer advocates are using their anger to speak out and make a difference.





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