So last week, I attended the American Cancer Society’s Living With Cancer Conference in Augusta, Maine. Among other wonderful things at the conference, I attended a session of Laughter Yoga with Katie West. She’s officially my new mentor.

She co-founded The Levity Institute, whose mission is to “create social change through laughter, play and celebration.” How great is that? She taught in the workshop that the body doesn’t know the difference between fake laughter and real laughter, so even when you fake laugh you still get the benefits of real laughter, which are many, including stress relief and diffusion of difficult feelings.

It got me thinking about humor and cancer, which to most people, don’t seem to go together. However, most people with cancer of course know they do. Here was a room full of people, all touched by cancer, laughing together…playing together. I didn’t know one person in the room, yet I felt connected to all of them. She had us breathing in and on the exhale, laughing on purpose in different ways and at different volumes (hahahahahaha… heeheeheeheeheehee… hohohoHOHOHO… HOOOHOOOHOOOOO!) She had us singing opera and even talking in gibberish, among a bunch of other crazy exercises. I think we all probably felt a little silly, but I think that was the point…to bring the silly back. Everyone seemed to get over themselves and just enjoyed the experience.

Many people who have been touched by cancer are so used to pain and suffering day to day, physical and emotional, that we can tend to forget about what Katie calls “the deep well of joy inside us.” Furthermore, even if we’re not necessarily suffering, we can be so darn serious. (OK, well, I’ll speak for myself…I can be so darn serious!)

She talks about laughter as exercise, part of our overall fitness and well-being. She said laughter puts space between you and a problem. I agree.

Let’s face it, recovering from cancer takes a sense of humor. I don’t know where I’d be without mine. Is it possible to be living with cancer or recovering from cancer and still have a sense of humor…still laugh, play and celebrate? I know the answer is yes. And that’s not to minimize the difficult feelings…you know I’d never do that…and crying is important too. But we can take those lighter moments when we find them. Or like Katie taught us, we can create them…we can fake laugh even when we don’t feel like laughing, and the body won’t know the difference.

Like I learned in the workshop, you often start out fake laughing and then end up laughing for real. I don’t think one person left the workshop feeling sad or angry, or even thinking about cancer for that moment. At least for me, I left feeling invigorated, joyful, and connected.

Cancer survivors…how has laughter and humor helped you in your journey?

Learn more about Laughter Yoga and Check out Katie West and The Levity Institute at thelevityinstitute.com. (Be sure to check out the grocery store dancing video!)

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Sometimes I feel like a 2 year old because I say No to so many things. But I find that if we don’t learn (or remember) how to say no, we can get stuck doing a lot of things we don’t want to be doing, and that can take its toll on our stress level. I have found that saying no can be part of self-care, and self-care is essential in life after cancer and just overall wellness in general. We can only do so much in our lives…we don’t have time for everything, which means we sometimes have to say no, even when someone else really wants us to do something.

Cancer Patients are Pros at No
What I have found in my work with cancer survivors is that most of us got pretty good at saying no when we were going through treatment. “No” became essential. You had a good reason to say no to things you didn’t want to do or didn’t have the energy to do. We didn’t even have to really “learn” how to say no, it just came naturally when we were going through treatment. We often didn’t feel well enough or have enough energy to say yes to things like working overtime, serving on committees, participating in fundraising events, babysitting on a week night, making two different dinners for two different kids…all the things we might usually say yes to because it’s what we always do, what we think we should do, or we feel obligated in some way.

Find Ways to Say No
When treatment is over, we need to find ways to say no, just like we did when we were going through cancer treatment. We can still “play the C card” even though we are done with treatment. You earned, so you can play it. You can say, “I won’t be able to go this weekend, because I’m not feeling up to it.” If you don’t need to explain why, then don’t. But if you value the relationship and need to soften the blow when someone asks you to do something, you can say you’re not feeling up to it.

When to Say No
You know inside when you really want to say no to something. You notice that when you hear the request, your eyes roll, or your eyes close and you sigh…something like that, right? Or you get irritated or annoyed. Try noticing what happens inside you when you don’t want to do something someone is requesting of you.

Consider the Consequences Consciously
Consider what will happen if you say no…what’s the worst that can happen? Will it actually hurt your relationship with the person who asked you to do something? Then consider the consequences on yourself if you say yes. What will it cost you in time, energy, and frustration…in time away from the things you really want to do? Consider these things consciously and then make a decision, instead of just saying yes automatically, because that’s what you always did before.

When you say no to the things you don’t want to do, you might have room in your life to say yes to things you want to do, that are meaningful, helpful, or fun for you.

Cancer survivors…how do you do with saying no when you don’t want to do something?

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What People Say
I talk to cancer survivors a lot about fear of recurrence. With the hundreds of cancer survivors I’ve spoken to and being one myself, I’ve heard one extremely common, if not universal, phrase that well-meaning friends and family members have said to them (us) when they talk about their fears, and it sounds something like this: “Any one of us could step off a curb and get hit by a truck at any time.” The language may be different, but the idea is the same. Their point is that anyone could die on any given day. While this statement is indeed true, anyone who’s had cancer knows that this is not the same as fear of cancer recurrence. We all wished at one time or another that we had a response for (again, well-meaning) people when they say these things.

How It’s Different
Other people have a subtle recognition, a vague awareness, that we will all die at some point. However, we have faced that reality, faced our mortality head on. It has moved from a tiny, distant dot in the landscape of the future to being “up in our grill.”

Someone once gave me this visual of what it feels like to fear cancer returning, using the “hit by a truck” analogy, and it goes like this: You stepped off a curb to walk across the street. You get hit by a big truck. The truck keeps going off down the street while you crawl, all broken up and changed for life, back to the curb, and hope to god that the truck doesn’t circle around the block and hit you again before you’re able to make it back to safety.

When I was given that story, I thought that felt more accurate as to how it feels. We’ve faced that truck head on and been mowed down. We just want to feel safe again, but we can’t. If you’ve already been hit by a truck and almost died, you would probably be more fearful about trucks than if you hadn’t, right?

So I offer you this comparison as a response to people who say the “any one of us…” thing. I feel like we need to educate other people on how to respond to cancer survivors so that people who come after us will have a better experience. People just don’t know what to say and so they say what they’ve heard people say before or whatever comes to mind without thinking first.

What People Could Say
So here is my plea to non-cancer-surviving people, again with the caveat that I know that you mean well. There are plenty of other things you can say that are far more helpful and supportive when a cancer survivor says they are experiencing some fears, anxieties, or worries about cancer coming back. For example, you can say things like, “That must be frightening,” “I can’t imagine what that must feel like,” “Of course you’re scared,” or “I’m here for you if you want to talk.” Anything that validates our feelings. Telling us that everyone is as aware of their death as we are can minimize or invalidate our feelings…even though we know you don’t mean to.

Please share this article with others. Cancer survivors…do you have anything to add to this? What kinds of things have people said that are more helpful than “any of us could get hit by a truck tomorrow?”

Like what you see in this blog? Sign up for my newsletter! In addition to getting the article before it posts on the blog, you will also get inspirational quotes, self-care tips, and information about services and upcoming events. Just fill in your name and email in the reddish box at the top right of this page to receive the “Love Your Life After Cancer” eNewsletter every other week, as well as a free video series, “7 Ways to Recover from the Emotional Impact of Cancer.”

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(This is a follow up article to “De-Cluttering” Your Life After Cancer: Lessons from Daytime Television, written in January 2012.)

In an article I wrote in January I talked about “decluttering your life” or taking stock of the activities you were involved in before cancer and discontinuing the activities that don’t serve your overall health–physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual–after cancer. Another aspect of your life to take a look at is your relationships.

During cancer treatment, it is common for some relationships in your life to change. Some people that you thought would stay close have drifted away. Some people you didn’t know that well have become close friends. Maybe you haven’t been able to keep in touch with some of your friends. Whatever the reason, your relationships may feel different.

Going along with the “de-cluttering” theme, you can use the same process with relationships. It may sound a little heartless to think about “de-cluttering” people, but it’s more the concept I’m talking about here…the idea that we are taking stock and deciding what we want in our lives, and that includes the people.

You can take a look at the relationships in your life–friendships, romantic, family, etc., and think about each one in detail. Which ones are the most supportive of you? Which ones are the most meaningful to you? Some of your relationships feel “mutual,” like a nice give and take, and some may feel one-sided, like you give more than you get back. Just like with before-cancer activities, you may feel some obligations to continue before-cancer relationships that really don’t serve your overall health any more (again…physical, mental, emotional, spiritual). On the other hand, there may be some people you would like to become closer with.

You can use a similar process (as was suggested in the first “decluttering” article) for discerning which activities to continue, with relationships you want to continue. For example, you can write down each relationship in your life. Then write the ways in which you enjoy that relationship, what feels satisfying or fulfilling, and whether or not it feels like a healthy give and take in the relationship (or “support and be supported”).

There may be some relationships/friendships that you want to keep and grow further. There may be some that don’t feel as supportive as they could, but you’d like to continue them and see if you can be more honest, in order to grow the relationship and develop a healthy mutuality.

And then there might be others that you find you stay in because of a sense of obligation. That obligation might be due to history together, blood relation, or some other strong bond. Those are trickier. Of course, you may feel that you can’t just rule out relationships like you do activities, especially if they’re family members. But if you recognize there are relationships that you have to stay in because of obligation, then you can work on setting boundaries within them.

I will admit that I have found the need to end certain friendships in the past when a person was not on the same page (in terms of supportive, healthy relationships) as I was. I have had friends that put pressure on me to get together when I said I couldn’t, took more than they gave, or expertly used guilt when I didn’t call or said No to getting together.

Ultimately, it was healthier for both of us to not be friends, regardless of history, because I was not enjoying the friendship and I could not be the friend they wanted/needed me to be either. It has to “work” for both people. I’m sure people have ended friendships or “drifted away” from me for some of the same reasons…it wasn’t working. It wasn’t a good match in terms of what we each wanted and/or needed in a friend. And that’s OK. That leaves room for the friendships that do work or friendships you would like to grow.

So I’m certainly not saying that anyone should throw out relationships like yesterday’s trash. But what I am saying is that we have the right to evaluate what we get and what we give in our relationships.

Ask yourself what relationships feel life-affirming and which ones don’t. Ask yourself which relationships you are able to be yourself most in, in which you give and get support. Again, life after cancer is your chance to create or re-create a life you love, and our relationships are certainly a part of that creation.

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(Be forewarned…there are curse words in this article, so if you are easily offended, you might want to skip this one.)

• Many people often don’t know how to feel when they get done treatment. “Relieved” sometimes covers it, but sometimes it doesn’t. And many people don’t instantly feel happy.
• You’ve been told what to do next and what to focus on for so long, especially if you’ve been a “kick ass cancer patient,” that when you don’t have the doctors telling you what to do, it can be hard to know what to do next.
• We experience a number of losses from cancer, and often need to grieve them. And often grief involves anger.
• Many people question what to do next in their lives, and have expectations that it has to be something huge (like finding the secret to life).
• Having a good “meltdown” and talking it through can help us to focus and sort out our feelings so that we can move through them more easily, instead of hanging on to them for years.
• Many people wonder if they are just the same as they were before or if they have changed, and fear that they didn’t learn anything or become changed for the better because of cancer.

Like what you see in this blog? Sign up for my newsletter! In addition to getting the article before it posts on the blog, you will also get inspirational quotes, self-care tips, and information about services and upcoming events. Just fill in your name and email in the reddish box at the top right of this page to receive the “Love Your Life After Cancer” eNewsletter every other week, as well as a free video series, “7 Ways to Recover from the Emotional Impact of Cancer.”

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In my life I have realized that after going through a difficult event, I often need to tell the story of what happened over and over and over until I am done telling it. This is a common enough experience…many of us need to tell the story of what happened to us so that we can try to make sense of it or find meaning in it.

At a mental health clinic I have worked at for the past two years, we use a structured program to help people (children, specifically) with PTSD symptoms that incorporates the child “telling the story” of what happened to them. We have children write their “trauma narrative;” they are asked to write the story about what happened to them in great detail. . (I wouldn’t suggest doing this without a professional’s help, by the way.) Then they are asked to read it out loud each time they come in for a session. Each time they read it, it gets easier. It teaches them that they can not only handle telling the story, but they can be calm when they talk about it. It helps them to not avoid it any more. It helps them to become desensitized to the emotional “charge.” They can express their thoughts and feelings about it and be supported in the process. They learn how strong and resilient they have become. Research has shown that this program works…children have recovered from PTSD symptoms utilizing this program.

I have found that the same type of process often works for people who don’t necessarily have PTSD symptoms, but have gone through something very difficult. Many people need to tell the story again and again when they’ve been through a traumatic event…and cancer is a traumatic event.

I’m a talker. Always have been, always will be. So what I’ve noticed about myself is that sometimes I tend to talk about a traumatic event a lot. So for me it naturally goes like this: tell it…tell it…tell it…tell it…be done telling it…need to stop talking about it.

Knowing when I am done telling the story is important for me. In fact, sometimes I notice that after a certain point, if I continue to talk about it, it starts to feel yucky. (I know…really nice clinical term, right?) That’s how I know that I am done telling the story, that I have processed it as much as I need to for the time being.…it feels yucky when I talk about it, whereas before it felt like I needed to talk about it, and it actually felt better to talk about it than to keep it inside.

For example, when I was going through cancer treatment, I felt the need to tell everyone I knew about what it was like. I talked about surgery, diagnosis, the bone marrow biopsy, chemotherapy, and every experience in between…sometimes with the gory details. I now feel kind of badly for my family and friends, because I feel like I may have forced these stories upon them, when they might not have wanted to hear every detail.

But…in the telling, the stories lost their emotional charge for me, they started feeling less painful. I feel that telling the story over and over is part of how I healed from the experience. So now I am grateful to those who listened. It served me greatly to tell the stories until it reached a point where I was done talking about it for a while.

Cancer survivors: how does telling your story help you?

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One of my guilty pleasures is daytime television shows. I have to DVR them, since I can’t watch them during the day when they’re aired. One particular show recently talked about “de-cluttering” your home, office, etc. It got me to thinking about how this concept can be helpful for people who are finishing or have finished with cancer treatment. This is a perfect time to “de-clutter” your life.

De-cluttering requires us to take stock, right? We have to take stock of what we have that is piled up or out of place, things we want to keep and things we want to get rid of. When people finish cancer treatment, they often notice that they have had to put some things aside to get through treatment, whether it was activities, events, personal growth, or even relationships. Now is the time to make some decisions about what things you want to keep in your life and what things you really don’t. It is a time to use your powers of discernment to look closely and figure out whether certain things in your life actually serve you in some way. I remember clearly “taking stock” of my life after I finished cancer treatment and that helped me to make plans for the future.

For example, there may be activities you were involved in before cancer that have dropped off the radar since you started treatment. Maybe you were on the PTA, in a book club, on committees at work, etc. Take a close look at which of those activities feels meaningful to you and has a purpose in your life. Which ones do you really enjoy and which ones were you doing because you felt obligated?

It’s always a good idea to write down your thoughts when making decisions. You could do a pros and cons list for each, as to how that activity is good and not so good for your overall health–physical, mental, emotional or spiritual. You could write a number by each, designating a “weight” from one to ten, as to just how good for you each thing is, how much it serves you, then prioritize the activities based on their weight. Then you will have, either with the lowest number, the least “pros,” or the most “cons,” the activities that you could reasonably not continue or pick up again.

Here’s the thing. You don’t have to do everything you were doing before cancer. You can make the choice to do only the things that you enjoy, have some meaning or purpose in your life, or serve you in some way. Yes there are some things that we do because of a sense of obligation, but by doing this process in a written form, at least you will be aware of which ones those are and be aware that you are choosing to fulfill that obligation and for what reason. And you can also limit those obligatory activities. You can “play the C Card.” You’ve had cancer…you have the right to say No to things that you did before cancer that do not serve you in some way. You can give yourself this permission.

If you are brutally honest with yourself when you look at your life B.C. (Before Cancer), there will be activities that you can let go of, which will ultimately serve you in your overall health A.C. (After Cancer). Taking a close look will get you started in the process of “de-cluttering” your life. Life A.C. is your chance to create or re-create a life you love, and de-cluttering your life can be part of that process.

Like what you see in this blog? Sign up for my newsletter! In addition to getting the article before it posts on the blog, you will also get inspirational quotes, self-care tips, and information about services and upcoming events. Just fill in your name and email in the reddish box at the top right of this page to receive the “Love Your Life After Cancer” eNewsletter every other week, as well as a free video series, “7 Ways to Recover from the Emotional Impact of Cancer.”

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